If the past few weeks weren’t enough for me to stress over… Just in case crying after having sex with Hubs EVERY time since the IVF was canceled wasn’t fun enough… or the stinging welt of knowing chances of getting pregnant naturally are about the same as my lovely son voluntarily cleaning his room…. maybe, just maybe, I needed to heap a little extra poop on my plate.
So, I did. See? it’s 90 plus degrees here.. and I know, as a Texan, I have no room to complain… but y’all? Hot is hot. Whether it’s 90 or 190 out… as soon as your boobs start to sweat? It becomes unacceptable. Seriously. TOBwS is NO way to live. ( that’s “tits on belly with sweat” for those of you with a modicum of class) Abby has been aching to go to the public pool since we moved. And I must admit, it’s a sweet little pool. SO I caved. Yesterday, I spent the better part of the evening shopping. Most shopping missions that end in me getting something for me are days to be celebrated. In fact, I can only think of three things I could buy for myself that make me want to puke, cry, scream and set skinny people on fire. drink heavily. In order of severity:
3) tampons. They remind me of my failure to give Larry a child.
2) yeast infection cream. I feel no reason to explain this.
1) Bathing suits. Oh sweet Mother of all things humiliating. WHY? Why must a woman of my size and fashion sense be forced to cram my usually well hidden fat rolls into spandex with patterns and shelf bras?
First, someone explain to me why the vast majority of suits with skirts and fuller breast cups were all size 10 and under? If I were a size 10? I would walk around naked. Sadly? I am totally serious. Second, someone illustrate the need for plus size bathing suits to be high cut in the legs and Lowwww cut in the chest? After trying on the 5th suit, I decided… I needed a tent. And a stiff drink. Hubs and Abby tagged along for the first few stores… at one point Hubs could hear me gasp and start to weep from outside the fitting room. Abby, of course, was in the tiny mirrored cubicle of hell with me. (WHO needs to see their butt from 8 different angles?)
“Oh honey, it can’t be THAT bad. Let me see.” Hubs said
” Do NOT even THINK of touching that door. NO one needs to see this.” I hissed in fine premenstrual form.
“Daddy, don’t! She looks really bad. Her boobies look broken.” shouts my ever so helpful, albeit loud child.
And y’all? Abby was so right. I am a one-piece kinda girl. And trust me, the world thanks me for that. Problem is, my breasts are… well, my wonderful friends call them “the enTITTIES” and in order to get the top to fit, the bottom sags and shows more than anyone other than Hubs and my RE need see. After 3 hours of trying on stretchy vessels of hell, I was in tears. I took Hubs and Abby home and set off for Sears. I am 35… so it’s been… let’s see…. 30 years since I bought clothing from Sears? I just knew they wouldn’t have the suit for me.
The fat and short of it all is…. Sears came through for me! I found a cute suit that hides my outward imperfections. ( my inner imperfections cannot be hidden and are another post.) And??? My bunnies are covered! Money well spent. After contemplating a) going on the Karen Carpenter diet b) committing suicide by ho ho overdose c) paying to rent out the pool for just us and a hand-full of blind people, I sucked it up and took Abby to the pool today.
I may not have felt like a super model, but I was by far not the largest mom there. I wasn’t even the largest kid. And, some of you may relate to this… I have an invisible sign that says ” hey kid, I won’t ignore you like your white trash neglectful mom” and tend to attract several young kids when at the park or pool. So, I am happy to announce that not only did the suit cover my rolls, but even with 3 extra children holding onto me in various areas, the bunnies stayed in their cages.
I can’t say I am happy with being scantily clad in public, or fully enjoy frolicking in chlorinated pee water… but until I can convince Spanx to make swim wear, I will live to swim another day. Dressing rooms? that a whole ‘nother story.
Love,
CeCe
9 comments
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June 27, 2009 at 6:48 PM
Shawna
That was the most hilarious thing I have read in quite some time, my dear. Seriously LOLing…not seriously ROFL because I would hurt myself and be stuck there. Otherwise, I would have dropped to the floor in hysteria.
I am so sorry it was such a traumatic experience; I can’t believe only swimwear is allowed in that pool. I would die. I always wear a layer of clothing over my swimsuit.
June 27, 2009 at 7:05 PM
NC Sister
OK — THIS was a GREAT birthday read! You HAVE to go on tour with Patsy Claremont! You just GOTTA!!!!!!!!
June 28, 2009 at 10:04 AM
Kay
The high cut legs are to make your legs look “longer”. The low cut tops are to draw the eyes to the boobs (instead of the belly). What they don’t take into consideration, is that unless your boobs are made of saline or some other non natural substance, the odd shape of the bra and the tightness is going to make them look like
a) non existent, just like your belly goes really high up.
b) that woman in that futuristic movie with 3 boobs
c) well baked muffins
Add that to the fact that if you’re wearing anything over a size 8, the high cut legs just make the thighs look wider instead of longer…
And yeah, you’re in trouble. We all are. Torrid is one of the few “plus” size stores that sells clothing that actually seems to be designed for women with a BMI of anything over -10. That? Or cheat. Skip the bathing suit section and go right to the workout section in Walmart – they have some nice spandexy shorts and tanks that cover more than any bathing suit, and still manage to look halfway decent.
Or, you can just be like me and rock the old “t-shirt over the bathing suit bottoms OOPS I forgot my swimsuit” look.
Trying on clothes ALWAYS makes me cry. Bras especially, because these girls (while looking lovely in a $40 bra, compression tank and v neck tee) just do NOT stay where nature intended them to. Ever. The day I find a bra that fits me right, without spilling over the top, doesn’t make me look flatter than a 12 year old, doesn’t cause back boobs, or doesn’t cause those lovely underarm bulges… yeah, I’ll cry. I promise. And then I’ll post a pic of it. Cause it’s never gonna happen.
June 28, 2009 at 9:24 PM
Lindsay
Spanx swimwear NEEDS to happen NOW. As well as “Spanx After Dark.”
This cracked me up.
June 28, 2009 at 9:37 PM
CeCe Garrett
Dude! Spanx after dark? You are genius, my friend. Flippin GENIUS.
June 30, 2009 at 4:51 AM
Shaz
Hahahaha! CeCe – I to hear u on the swimwear issue!!! I don’t have the enTiTies, but I got a rather large tummy!
July 4, 2009 at 11:09 AM
Michelle
OH! MY! GOSH!!! CECE!!!! A POST AFTER MY OWN HEART!!!! I LOVE YOU AND THIS WAS SOOO TRUE!!!!!!!!!! HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
July 7, 2009 at 11:47 PM
Hatta
You are so Funny! My solution to the whole bathing suit issue is a Maternity tankini and men’s swim shorts. Basically, I look like I am wearing bermuda shorts and a tank top. People have told me I look cute whether they meant it or not may be an entirely different story.
July 8, 2009 at 12:44 PM
memoriesblogger
I just clicked over from Suburban Turmoil, and I thought I’d join the ranks of commenters to let you know that you are an absolute hoot, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading your swimsuit shopping experience. Have a great afternoon, and thanks for sharing!