Dear Hubs… on baby eve.

Tonight, you went to bed before me… you have to preach in the morning and let’s face it, you handle stress, excitement and well, just about every emotion evoking situation much differently than me. And that? Is a wonderful thing. If both of us were wound like eight day clocks right now, our home would be unbearable. I have tried, but sleep eludes me tonight. I have packed and repacked my overnight bag four times and there are only so many times one can write the same list.

Tonight, while you sleep, my thoughts drift to you. To us. Just a little over five years ago,  you went to bed before me as I prepared a very similar bag. Knowing, the next day, we would welcome a precious and very wanted little baby girl. Just days over three years ago, you packed my overnight bag while I lay numb on the couch… praying that somehow, Eli would simply wake up and everything would be okay.

We have seen some wondrous joy in our lives together. We have secretly cried tears of joy and gratitude to God when James first accidentally called you Dad. We have watched both Abby and James grow and learn and love. We have renewed our vows daily with acts of love and kindness that, for some reason, seem second nature. We still kiss, hold hands, and giggle. You keep my heart young and giddy. Most days, I still cannot believe that God sent me such an amazing man.

We have shared some deep cutting pain. I know, I do most of the sharing around here. If I am hurting, everyone within earshot knows. I take wearing my heart on my sleeve to a whole new level. You muse. And you pray (quietly). I am the one who got pulled over for a sobriety test because I was talking out loud and with great animation to Our Daddy in the van. You are my rock… because Jesus is your rock. Even when what I am feeling is seeping out of my pores and often my mouth… your calm, your resolve, your peace is my comforting reminder to turn to Jesus. And I thank you for that.

Tonight, as I weep over the joy of  spending the night in the hospital… in order to bring home a baby on Monday.. I know that he is not ours. He may never be ours to keep.  But, he is loved and will be ours for as long as God allows. Which, we have learned in our journey together is all we can ever ask for. To love them now… to love them forever… but to never know just how long they will be with us.

I just wanted to tell you that I love you in our joys, our pains and in the great unknown. Thank you for loving me… neurosis and all.

Xoxoxo,

Me

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