Greetings from the Rabbit Hole.

I could tell y’all that I have been on a technology fast.. you know, like a deeply spiritual woman who just needed to find a closer seat to Jesus. I could tell y’all that I have just been too busy with the Little Dude and simply could not find the time to sit and write. I could even try to tell y’all that I just have had too much on my plate to come up with anything worth sharing.  But, I figure if all of you have stuck with me through the ups and mind numbing downs of infertility, read about my traumatic swimwear shopping experience, know that Abby’s favorite shock word is VAGINA… you would have accepted pretty much any update on Little Dude or rant on how three people in three days asked if he was my grandchild. (so sad and oh so true)

Truth is, I have been scared to write. Scared of being judged… not by y’all… but there is something extremely frightening about seeing your heart in black and white. What if… what if I don’t like what I see?

So, I will get through the nuts and bolts of how things have been… then I will try to express what I am feeling.

First, Little Dude will be Three Months OLD this week! He is a whopping 12 pounds and while that is still small for his age, its triple his birth weight. He has had a very rocky start in life: seizures, reflux, aspiration during feeds, muscle stiffness and possible brain damage. He goes to what seems like countless doctor appointments, had PT and OT twice weekly and we do stretching exercises with each diaper change. He wakes about every two hours at night, and because of his feeding issues, takes about 40 minutes to complete his meal and fall back to sleep. Little Dude has been some seriously hard work.  It’s more than a little illegal to post photos of him… but if you can imagine a mocha hued Gandhi… that’d be him!

While Little Dude is a LOT of work and worry… he is so much more.

He is a precious light in our home. He is a daily reminder of God’s abiding love. He is a fighter and smells of what I hope Heaven smells like. He has taken residence in each of our hearts in ways that I cannot begin to express. Little Dude has charmed nurses, doctors, social workers, church members and strangers alike. He has so many odds stacked against him in this world, yet so many fans. And five people who would gladly walk through fire for him.

On one particularly hard night, as I rocked this helpless little guy whose tight muscles pained him too much to sleep, Abby had to check on him. Just barely awake, she rubbed her eyes and climbed onto my free knee.

“Mommy?”

Yes, sweetie?

” I know what he needs to know right now.”

What’s that? (half expecting her to tell me he needs chocolate or a cookie or silly band)

” The Lord is my shepherd. I do not want for anything. He leads by still waters. He lets me lay down in green grass. He refreshes my soul. He takes my hand and shows me to the right path. He feeds me even when I feel scared. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life and I will live in His house forever.”

( crying) Abby, you are so sweet and so very right. Mommy needed to hear that too.

“Mommy?”

Yes?

“Can our house be a house of the Lord?”

ummmm?

“So Little Dude can live here forever?”

Um. Yeah, y’all. I have been scared to write. Scared to admit that we love this guy so very much and are we are in an odd situation. One part of our hearts wants his mom to get clean, get her life together so she can know what a gift she has and can be his mommy. One part of our hearts wants to start some commune somewhere and hide so we can keep him in our arms forever. I think I understand purgatory more now than I ever did when I was Catholic. Limbo? Sucks.

So, every morning, I wake up and say the same thing to myself. Yes, I talk to myself. Often.

Today, we will love him and hold him. Tomorrow if she gets off the drugs, and gets her life back.. gets Little Dude back: we will celebrate in public and cry in private. If she never gets clean and we keep Little Dude forever: we will celebrate in public and cry in private.

No matter how Little Dude’s life turns out… someone loses a child.  So, maybe I am not normal.. maybe we are nuts… but we pray for Little Dude’s mom. We pray that she is safe and that she finds the only thing that can fill the void she tries so hard to fill with drugs. We pray that she sees Jesus and turns it around with His help. We also pray that Little Dude will always be safe and loved and cared for. And most days, I feel that those prayers contradict each other.  We love him so so sooo much… and I think, if that time comes, we love him enough to say goodbye. We also love him enough to not ever want to have to.

Now that your head hurts, I will say goodnight! I have a baby to feed and a freshly washed noggin to smell. Thank you all for the emails and continued prayers. I feel your love in my very bones.. and that has helped me keep my wits many a late night.

Love y’all,

CeCe